Disclaimer: This is a spoof. Love us or hate us, but don’t sue us for this is all unreal.
Final Examination 2016
M.Phil., Law & Governance
Time Allowed: 48 Hours (enough for indulging in a 24-hour fast or intermittent speeches and dharnas)
Maximum Marks: _____ (This is a fill-in-the-blanks question. Our democratic system allows students to set the marks)
All Questions are Multiple Choice and Compulsory.
All Questions Carry Equal Marks.
Answers are Provided at the End of each Question because we Discourage Copying.
Below 50% – Fail;
51%-70% – You can become a corporator;
70%-94%: You are either MLA or MP material;
95%-99%: You will become a Cabinet Minister one day;
100% — You are destined to lead our great nation.
Q1. If you were a politician what type of personal secretary would you choose?
- Someone from the opposite sex who would do what Monica Lewinsky did to Bill Clinton.
- A person that has the maximum potential to be raided by the CBI, like kejriwal’s Rajinder Kumar.
- An efficient person who can stealthily handle crores of cash.
C gets you full marks, B gets you 60% and
If you chose A, please introduce her to me after you’re done. But you get only 40% marks for inventing a good office pastime.
Q2. Who is your role model?
- Vijay Mallya, because he sank an entire airline and is still flying high with semi-nude chicks and powerful politicians.
- Robert Vadra, because he wormed in his way into a famous family and allegedly scammed through many land deals.
- Kiran Mazumdar Shaw, because she only gives suggestions, that everyone knows about and shies away from taking a strong stand.
Allot yourself 100% if you are thinking of Vijay Mallya — no normal human can achieve the greatness he has.50% if you chose Kiran Shaw because she remains neither here and there which is perfect if you are a party-hopper.
5% if you chose Robert Vadra because he got caught in the act — he was not clever enough.
Q3. Which of the following people do you truly and intensely hate?
- Kailash Satyarthi, the Nobel Laureate
- Narayanmurthy, the Infosys founder
- Mother Theresa
100% if you answered Kailash Satyarthi — this nosey parker fights against child labor and indirectly stops you from combat-training children. These guys could have grown up and become your personal army had this dude not butted in.Take 50% if you chose Narayanmurthy because this irritating dude.
You get zero if you answered Mother Theresa because her ashram would have cared for the people that you looted, maimed and seriously injured after you got elected.
Q4. Which of the following statements is true?
- By the time I am 40, it will be easy for me to get away with immorality and corruption because I would have made enough cash to last for generations. I’ll use it to buy legal brains that can arm-twist Indian laws, which anyway are sleeping Rip Van Winkles.
- Democracy is beautiful because it considers all votes equal. The vote of an ignorant idiot who sucks on propaganda all the time has the same weight as that of an educated and intelligent person who can make a wise choice. I love this feature because I will either bribe or brainwash ignorant people into voting for me.
- Robbery is worse than corruption because a robber takes the law into his own hands and causes pain while a corrupt person acts stealthily and only makes his nation suffer without feeling any pain.
Q5. For how long can you stay off food and water?
- I am another Anna Hazare, this is no problem.
- I am another Mahatma Gandhi, this is no problem.
- For as long as I want so long I have a glucose drip stuck up my arse.
ZERO if you chose A or B. Your kind of people can go to Pakistan or Bangladesh or Syria.100 if you chose C. You may have to fast every now and then to impress the Indians. When you can do this without pain, why torture yourself? Anyway, it’s a real headache trying to crap without any food in your belly and water around your prostate.
Q6. Which of the following leaders has the potential to trigger a civil war in India?
- Mamta Banerjee
- Akhilesh Yadav
- Arvind Kejriwal
ZERO if you chose Mamta Banerjee. That poor but talkative lady controls mafias that can only indulge in in-state riots like the one in Malda.ZERO if you chose Akhilesh yadav. The poor scion only allows rioting, raping, murders, sand mafias and other such petty crimes.
100 marks if you chose Arvind Kejriwal. He’s one guy who has not committed any criminal or violent act. If he continues like this, the people of Delhi will get restless and start a civil war on their own.
Q7. Arvind gets 10 votes, Akhilesh gets 4 while Mamata gets 7. Who wins?
- Mamta, because her goons captured the booth and she ended up with the highest number of votes. The figures in the question are pre-counting numbers.
- Akhilesh, because he just bribed Mamta and they both finished off Arvind.
- Mamta and Akhilesh because they merged their parties before the results were declared.
You get 100% if you answered (a) or (b), you shrewd political animal.500% if you answered C. So long you can pull strings in the Election Commission while back-dating a merger document. But this is an uphill task, and therefore 500%.
Q8. How will you fund your political campaign in India?
- Obtain a large loan from PSU and cooperative banks and divert the money into your campaign. After all it’s public money — who cares.
- Hire a large gang of ATM thieves in another state and outsource fund mobilization to them.
- Suck up to industrialists and promise them freebies.
90% if you chose A. 70% if you chose C
100% if you chose A and C
10% if you chose B. Why rob and steal during election time, you can always do it later, yaar.
Q9. What will you do if you are confronted with a video that depicts you making a seditious speech?
- Make another video of me singing a national song and make it go viral.
- Prepare for a long political career, you goddamned opportunist.
- Teach your friends how to create a human chain, how to get bashed up, how to complain to the media, how to spread spurious evidence online and on TV channels, etc.
75% marks if you chose B
60% marks if you chose C
20% marks if you chose A (Forensics will uncover the original video anyway)
100% if you chose A, B and C (shooting in the dark will make you hit something anyway).
Q 10. You suddenly realize you have contracted a Sexually Transmitted Disease. What will you do to further your political career?
- Start wearing powdered wigs and skirts and decide to fight for LGBT rights.
- Bad mouth your wife, divorce her and was dirty laundry in public.
- Switch over to another party that’s willing to pay and destabilize the government because of ideological differences.
Zero if you chose A. Are you mad to dress up like a transgender? And fight for LGBT rights?? Don’t you know LGBT is a taboo topic with most voters.20% if you chose B. Well, at least you tried.
100% if you chose C. You know how to convert a crisis into an opportunity, fella!
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