Disclaimer: This is a spoof. Don’t take it seriously. Or do. Yada yada yada….
Donald Trump has been described by American voters as a buffoon, clown, comic, jerk, dumb, narcissistic and an idiot.
That’s exactly the kind of descriptors Americans love. And vote for.
Therefore, chances are high that Donald Trump will become the American King of Hearts and President of the USA.
But what will he do after the coronation? He’s rubbed off so many people the wrong way, made so many impossible promises and said a whole lot of BS, which he not be able to deliver.
No fear, Indian politicians are here.
All Donald Trump, has to do is to sign up for a free crash course in India and that’s it. Here’s how India’s politicians can help him:
Ancient Indian Scientists Discovered Ancient Indian Science: A Political Perspective
Professor: Smriti Irani
Inspired by this exploratory course, Donald Trump will dig in and research the science of American forefathers and end up discovering that:
(i) Dinosaurs help build the underwater pyramids of Wisconsin
(ii) Red Indians did not divorce their squaws because chewing gum wasn’t invented then
(iii) Riding horses without saddles caused gigantic hernias and riding them with saddles literally castrated their privates
Such wonderful discoveries will help Trump keep the American public distracted from evil issues such as unemployment, outsourcing, gun control, and other useless stuff.
Flip Flops in a Globalized Economy: A SAARC Perspective
Professor: Emeritus Bassi
Donald Trump has made many rash promises to the American voters and he knows his words will boomerang. This is where current Delhi Police Chief Bassi can help.
Trump will learn how to successfully track back from promises by citing circumstances while making another, higher promise that shuts up the electorate for a few months until the reality hits home. He also will learn how to watch rioters take control of American cities and get away with it on technical grounds.
Of course, Trump also will learn how to bootlick the Congress because that’s where the fate of his bills will lie.
Parliament Ruckus and The Art of Destabilizing Thought Processes
Professor: Mallikarjun Kharge
The notable and experienced professor Kharge will teach Trump how to take people’s mind away from critical issues plaguing the economy and instead make them focus on the ruckus inside parliament.
Trump also will learn how to devastate the house, enjoy a cup of coffee, disrupt parliament again, adjourn for lunch and then pretty much repeat these tactics for the remainder of the day. And people who say he is wasting taxpayer money can go to hell because such folks cheat on taxes anyway.
Marxist Protests in a Violent World
Professor: Arvind Kejriwal
Aside from learning how to please idiot voters by bribing them with negligible handouts like free water, Trump will also learn how to throw out trusted lieutenants without damaging the party, protest inside and outside the White House even when he’s in power (i.e., against himself), hire sycophant mercenaries, wear a muffler, always blame others and get away with it, and sport a fashionable Hitler Moustache.
In the end, Trump will learn that fighting for anti-corruption may be like screwing for virginity (George Carlin rip off), but it sure keeps the public engaged in the wrong kind of debates.
Contemporary Issues With Higher Education
Professor: Gyandev Ahuja
A sterling course by Professor Gyandev Ahuja will help Donald Trump fix what’s wrong with American higher education. After mastering this course, Trump will:
- Encourage students to use condoms on campus instead of birth control pills (because that will make pharma companies fund his next campaign, and students too will not get AIDS, which will bring a smile to the collective faces of Insurance company honchos)
- Provoke students to raise seditious slogans on the campus so that trouble can erupt and make Americans take sides (thereby lifting their mind off the limping economy)
Unrepresentation and Unparticipation Imply Increased Vote Share
Donald Trump will learn how to divide people along caste, religion and colour lines and then single out the caste that voted for the Democrats, and harass them no end.
Riots would break out making other folks hate that caste and therefore vote for Trump in the next election.
How To Relax At Work
Professor: Rahul Gandhi
This is a vocational political course and Rahul will teach Trump how to doze off at critical hours and yet be regarded as the future leader of the country.
On a more serious note, it is interesting to read between the lines of Trump’s Nevada Thank You speech:
“We won the evangelicals,” Trump said. “We won with young. We won with old. We won with highly educated. We won with poorly educated. I love the poorly educated.”
Perhaps he is trying to say that instead of bettering the lot of the uneducated and the poorly educated, he will let them be in their misery so that they and their generations keep on low grade folks in the future.
Indian politicians already know this and have been practising this strategy since years. That’s why we’re miles ahead of the politics that Trump practices.
USA will get there one day.
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