Hulloo. This is a spoof. Read it. Laugh if you find it funny, frown if you don’t. But that’s all there is to it, it’s not real.
The other day Manish Sisodia wore a red and gold dress and carried a handbell. He beat drums and went to town shouting that the ink throwing episode in Kejriwal’s rally was a dress rehearsal and that the bigger goal was to somehow assassinate him. He chanted about the possibility of what could have happened had acid been chucked at his majesty, Kejriwal.
Though this reeks of a drama, we dug around and discovered to our surprise that one can use many harmless-seeming exotic inks and liquids to assassinate political leaders.
Here they are:
Tattoo ink is very toxic. It contains antifreeze, formaldehyde, dangerous colours and mutagenic, (mutating), teratogenic (birth defect causing), and carcinogenic (cancer causing) ingredients.
These inks penetrate deep into the skin through your epidermis and could possibly enter the victim’s bloodstream when infused with the help of injection moulding machinery.
But you cannot be lugging around industrial machinery to a political rally. It’s damn inconvenient. Moreover, our cops would get suspicious.
Therefore, the answer is to chuck tattoo ink on politician face at regular intervals and hope and pray that it penetrates his epidermis and enters his bloodstream, making him suffer a slow and disease-prone end.
The Baba Ram Rahim of the online world, Wikipedia, says that Plastisol is a “suspension of PVC particles in a liquid plasticizer.”
One burst of this liquid on anyone’s face will make it look like there’s a transparent shopping bag wrapped around a politician’s crown.
But the f@#$%up is that Plastisol must be heated to 177 degrees Celsius for it to make an impact. It’ll be damn inconvenient to carry it in a fountain pen. But what fun, one squirt can finish off a politician, ha, ha.
Bovine Growth Hormone (BGH)
Spilling Bovine Growth Hormone on a politician’s face can get you fantastic results very quickly and affordably. This could be your assassination tool of choice, for all ya know.
BGH almost instantly increases the production of mammary cells, milk-producing cells and udder growth. The victim begins to lactate and produce milk (so what if your victim’s male). This infusion causes major changes in the victim’s body, sex drive and psychology.
He fattens up, feels depressed, starts oozing milk and curls up and dies after a few sessions. Good stuff, huh?
Iron Gall Ink
It is made using iron salts and tannic acids. These two ingredients combine to create gargantuan problems for the victim’s skin, liver and kidneys. It is so darn corrosive that it simulates acid if sploshed repeatedly on someone.
However, for Iron Gall Ink to take evil effect, you must splash it on your victim at least 10 times every month, and that too in sizable volume. Though it is an option, I urge you not to use this ink.
Deadly Neon Ink
This is one crazy ink that can motivate politicians to commit suicide. Neon inks are deadly. These contain carrier solvent, glyceride, pyrrolidone (donno what it means), resin, fluorescent colors and lots of toxicity.
Best of all, these are permanent, waterproof inks that cannot be washed away.
They work by whitening the face during the day and making it glow during the night. Politicians who love to be seen and heard during the day will not be able to display their pretty face. Plus, their face will glow in the dark at night, ruining their sex life.
Ultimately, they will commit suicide. LOL.
FURminator Animal Hair Removing Liquid Cream
This can be an extremely potent assassination tool that will keep everyone in splits as you go about your job.
All you have to do is aim correctly.
Animal hair removal liquids work like magic on humans — a whole moustache or a beard can be dislodged in seconds! Just aim and shoot.
After aiming it at the moustache you should sneak up to the politician when the crowd is laughing and squirt some liquid cream in his mouth. He’s dead! LMAO.
This is a colorless but evil liquid that can instantly freeze and shatter the victim’s face.
Just build a thermos in the shape of a pen and pump in the substance. You also should walk very slowly because if you shake, the nitrogen may spill and enter your private parts, freezing and shattering them instantly. Do you want that to happen, wise guy?
So do as I say and be careful while splashing the nitrogen in the face of the victim. Don’t get any over yourself.
This is a hit and miss technique because paintball ink is usually non-lethal. But you can turn it into an assassination ink by aiming correctly. Let me explain:
This ink contains propylene glycol,Sorbitol, color dye, and wax. Now propylene glycol is generally safe when it is consumed in concentrations of less than 0.001%.
Anything more can be lethal. I recommend you mix at least 50% just to be sure.
Now, all you have to do is paint the gun at the politician’s mouth, aim when he is delivering a speech, and squeeze the trigger.
Only hassle — the cops may detain you thinking the paintball gun is some kind of sophisticated weapon. Doh!
These were 8 creative ways that should help you wreck political happiness.
But there’s one more, and I’ve reserved the best for the last.
It’s newsprint ink. The media is already on the job killing political careers by publishing news. More power to the ones who do it right, and to you.
Inky Pinky Ponky.
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