Bajirao Mastani, as Narrated by Arvind Kejriwal

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Bajirao Mastani, as Narrated by Arvind Kejriwal 3.65/5 (73.00%) 5 votes

Bajirao Mastani is a story of everlasting love, supreme sacrifice, bigamy, saas-bahus, conspiracy, murder, evil and wars.

Bajirao, played by Ranveer Singh, was an aam aadmi of 18th Century India. But he was a Brahmin aam aadmi. Thank God for that. Because if he was an OBC or EBC or Dalit, no one would have chronicled his love story.

He was the Peshwa (Prime Minister) to the fourth Chhatrapati (Emperor) Chhatrapati Shahu Raje Bhonsle of the Maratha Empire from 1720 until his death in 1740. Just like Manish Sisodia is a timid Peshwa to me, Kejriwal, the Chhatrapati Shahu of Delhi.

Bajirao was like Rahul Gandhi or Sukhbir Badal or Tejaswi Yadav — he too got the job because his dad Balaji Vishwanath was the PM to the same emperor. This dynasty politics is not a new phenomenon.

There was no mentor like Anna Hazare in Bajirao’s life. He was surrounded by violent psychopaths like his dad, the emperor and charsi Kings.

Bajirao had a funny full name  — Bajirao Ballal Balaji Bhat (BBBB). If I had a name of that, I would change it first and sue my parents for damages caused to my psyche, upon reaching adulthood.

But more kinkier than his name were his aliases — he also was called Thorale (elder in Marathi), and Rau. I don’t know what his wives and mom called him though. I am called Muffler Man, btw.

I am unsure how Sanjay Bhansali would depict this family angle. The guy’s a sex maniac and he probably would be more interested in songs, colour, love and making out. So let me narrate Bajirao’s story.

Bajirao’s Love Life

Though Bajirao was not a thulla (corrupt cop) or incorrigible like Bassi the Commissioner of Delhi Police, I suspect he owned an overactive libido that could have have turned him into a violent and uncontrollable pervert.

I also suspect his parents got Bajirao married at an early age just to control his lawless and undisciplined sexual rage. But at that time people used to marry in their childhood, so I’ll give him the benefit of doubt.

His wife’s name was Kashibai (Priyanka Chopra), an unromantic and godforsaken name that ought to work like a spermicide for guys high on testosterone.

Names can have a profound effect on men. Today, try and say “Ugandan Women” to Somnath Bharti and see what happens. The poor guy will lose his love for life and jump into a bavdi. Or, he will command Don (his dog) to eat your flesh and chew your bones. That’s the kind of effect the name Kashibai would have had on Bajirao.

Anyway, Bajirao was a sport and he and Kashibai jointly produced two sons, Nanasaheb and Raghunathrao.

Bajirao’s Wars

I mentioned earlier that Bajirao was a violent type, somewhat like my two ex-verbal warriors — the parrot-talking Kiran Bedi or the matron-like orator Yogendra Yadav.

Bajirao fought over 41 battles and did not lose one! He fought with all the Mughal emperors and even fought an offbeat battle, The Elephant War with the Siddis.

If I were in his place I would have gone to the gates of the 41 Mughal kings and launched a peaceful satyagraha.

Sanjay Bhansali will shoot a couple of war scenes or two and then focus on love and drama, because shooting love and drama is cheaper than shooting a war scene. That said, Saawariya and Guzarish had no war scenes, and yet they flopped — and I’m sceptical of Bajirao Mastani. I figure the guys at Eros, the producer, would be shitting pyramid stones till the BO reports are out.

Enter The Mastani

Bajirao becomes bum-chums with an oversexed king, Maharaja Chattrasal (Mahesh Manjrekar).

“Insaan ka insaan se bhaichara, yehi paigam hamara, …yehi paigam hamara.”

Excuse me for breaking into song. I get emotional when I write about friendship.

Anyway, Mastani is a Muslim courtesan in lascivious Chattrasal’s court. Bajirao cannot take his eyes off her after watching her shake her booty. Even you wouldn’t when a Gangnam dancer prances around in a 100% transparent lehenga with nothing underneath. This is an aam aadmi emotion, man.

mastani dance

Mastani was multi-skilled. She could ride horses, throw spears while on or off horses, fight using swords, dance and sing. I guess Bajirao would have requested Mastani not to bother about her violent talents and stick to dancing and singing. I mean which fool man would want to waste a babe like that.

BTW, Mastani’s qualifications were genuine, unlike Jitender Singh Tomar’s, my evil minister who fooled me with a fake degree.

Anyway, Bajirao proposed and mastani accepted because if she didn’t, the violent sadist who was in and out of wars all the time, would have ghusaoed a katyar (dagger) into her tender goorda-kaleja (kidney-liver). Kumar Vishwas, whom one female party worker accused of philandering, must be feeling like aping Bajirao, hee hee.

The Bajirao and Mastani Drama

The meat in the movie starts developing when Bajirao brings Mastani home. Remember, he’s already married to Kashibai, the babe with the boring name.

A Hindu General marrying a Muslim courtesan would shake up society even in modern times. In the 18th century it was unpardonable.

Kashibai, Bajirao’s mom (Tanvi Azmi) and Kashibai’s brother, Chimnaji Appa (Milind Soman, I think) get all upset.

Kashibai turns into a weepy and talky willow, just like Asutosh, my minister. Tanvi Azmi turns into something like Mayank Gandhi; she slithers in and out whispering poisonous words in the ears of people, and Milind Soman turns into something like Vinod Binny, a malevolent plotter and schemer. Bajirao’s son joins this malicious gang as well.

Several attempts are made on Mastani’s life, just like ink was thrown at me, and she’s held under house arrest when Bajirao is fighting wars. But she’s like me: “Woh pareshaan karte rahein, hum kaam karte rahein.”

Anyway, after a lot of hoo haa, Bajirao is struck by an exotic fever at age 40 and he dies. Even you would be struck by an exotic fever or worse if you faced extreme saas-bahu-saala-bacha trouble at home.

Mastani jumps into his pyre and Kashibai, her sons, Chimnaji Appa and Bajirao’s mom live happily  ever after.

Pinga — The Controversial Song

Before I head back to understand what the @#$% the Jan Lokpal Bill means, I must say that Sanjay Bhansali has overdone it by making Kashibai and Mastani, 2 babes sleeping with the same man, dance to a song entitled Pinga (Goddess Durga).

That’s like making me dance alongside Lieutenant Governor Najeeb Jung to the tune of Dhola Re. Ridiculous! The audience won’t buy it.

That’s all folks. I’ll be back again when I am given a chance to write for this site.

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This is a spoof. It’s all for fun and games. It’s not true — Kejriwal was not appointed to write for us. So don’t believe what you read upstairs. Just enjoy it, if you did like it.

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