Friendly porters, courteous staff, a whiff of heavenly fragrance in the air, scenic lobbies, handsome chandeliers, polished marble floors, etc., and etc. — a 5 star hotel virtually lures your senses into a sweet land of gorgeousness.
That was the good news. The bad news is that there are many grim tales behind all this sweetness and bonhomie.
We’ve compiled a list after interviewing porters and cleaners, who know the ops from the ground up. Here’re their tidbits:
- Quilts may not be dry cleaned if the hotel staff finds them in satisfactory condition (a condition that will not make you suspect they were not cleaned). Think about it — what if the previous guest was a hairy man who hated bathing and who believed in sleeping naked under those very beautiful quilts you are chewing on?
- Speaking of hairy humans, here’s an interesting fact: Shedding 50-100 hairs daily is normal. So, your hotel room will likely have some hairy remnants of the previous guest. Is that bad for health? Naah! It’s just so ewww when you think about it.
“Hey, is that Anil Kapoor’s underarm hairball or has a rat slunked into my room?”
- Hotel employees are allotted a certain period of time to clean up one room. They are given a target to clean a specified number of rooms. The staff does the same thing day after day, month after year, year after year until they turn into cleaning zombies. Chances are that these folks start taking things for granted and work at 60%-70% of their potential because the job is so damn monotonous.
- Order a-la-carte, avoid buffets. 5 star buffet food is fattening and all the continuous heating robs it of its nutritional value and taste.
- Avoid Sunday brunches because the master chefs take a break on Sundays and if at all they sign the roster, they do so in the second half. The first half is manned by trainees and second-hand chefs.
- Cover any peepholes on your door with a Post It sticker. Hotel male staff are perpetually in search of cheap thrills and will not hesitate to peep into your room (when no one is looking) especially if you are a couple.
- You may not be pampered if you have booked your room via a online discount booking service. Extreme pampering is reserved for guests who paid in full.
- Hotels expect you to steal the toiletries, which is why these are placed in plastic bottles and branded.
- Check if the hotel is hosting a wedding or a conference before booking. Such events are cacophonous and keep the staff from paying attention to you.
- Some male guests may sit/sleep naked on hotel chairs and beds. Look for brown streak marks on chairs and if you do find them, puke your heart out. “Gaaah! Laloo prasad Yadav was in this room!”
- Clean the TV remotes before use. These are not cleaned regularly and you don’t know what the previous guest was doing with them before vacating the room with a strange smile playing on his face.
- Enjoying a nice hot jacuzzi at the hotel gym with water massaging all parts of your body and naked fellow guests comparing their privates with yours? Here’s bad news: The water in all hotel bathtubs must be chlorinated to kill germs. But, chlorine evaporates rapidly in hot water and therefore must be regulated frequently. Do the gym staff freaking regulate chlorine? Ha ha!
Get ready for exotic hotel germs lodging themselves inside your privates and creating conditions such as “hot tub rash.” Hey, you may soon see blue-green algae sprouting all over your unmentionables.
- If you love finding and keeping stuff look under the bed, behind paintings, in drawers, below the carpet edges to discover possible treasures left behind by previous guests. If you’re honest and truthful, you can always mail them over to us. you cheapo.
- The corner rooms are usually the most spacious. Ask for them if you want extra space.
- Seen the glasses at any luxury hotel? These sparkle like crazy. You know what makes them sparkle? Cleaners that are not meant to clean glass — maybe furniture cleaners. To figure this out, add water to the glass and sip. If the liquid tastes lemony, wash the glass — no, better still wash the glass before pouring anything.
- You want first class treatment and all this and more information right from the horse’s mouth? Tip the porter or the bellboy generously. They’ll squawk like a duck and fill you in about the hotel secrets, get you free stuff and inform you about their manager’s love life.
We hope you enjoyed your stay on this article and look forward to your continued visits on our other informative and entertaining writs. Have a nice day.
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