Once upon a time, male grooming was all about cutting hair in time, shaving properly, not picking your nose in public and cracking silent and scentless farts.
Then things changed after the Internet invaded us and men started becoming more fashionable. Manicures, pedicures, massages, steam baths, eyebrow tweezing, skincare, and other niceties became part of the male grooming process.
The ultimate objective of male grooming is to impress women and look and feel good. But many Indian men get it all wrong. Here are the top 5 male grooming bloopers that men make:
It seems that almost every tip of Indian men’s fingers is attached to his nostrils with a Fevicol ka jod. Indian men love massaging their snots, goobers, mucus and nostril skin membranes with their fingers. They roll their goobers into balls and shoot them in carom-style all over the place — office or home or public place.
It’s like playing Buzkashi inside your nose.
Actually, nose picking is a common, universal phenomena. Moreover, India is an extra dusty place — dust and particles pile up rather quickly in our nose, making it one hell of a nuisance body part.
The best thing about the whole exercise is that Indians love doing easy things and nose picking is a very easy job. You just have to be discreet while caressing your sticky little goobers.
But we aren’t, and Indian women, who dig goobers in super stealth mode, end up disliking us for our nosey frankness.
BOOT THE FOOT
Indian men focus on their hairstyle and literally end up looking like a heel when the focus shifts to their feet. You may look like a Greek God, but if you’re not taking good care of your feet, your woman will think of you more as the Hunchback of Notre Dame.
With their socks blown off, men’s foot nails look like banyan tree twigs in the making. Not to mention the fungal jungle that grows between the toes.
To make our feet look like God’s, we should soak, scrub, clip, file, shape, moisturize, polish and massage them. Painstakingly.
Hey. The hell with my feet, where’s my glass of beer?
Hey, you know what? Beards and stubbles are in fashion and if you sport these, most style-crazy women, who were thinking of you as unkempt earlier, will start considering you as an oversexed Viking prince.
That was the good news.
The bad news is that Indian males actually end up growing hair on least desirable facial parts. On any regular day, you can see many Indian men sporting overgrown nasal hair that just right out of their noses and points in the looker’s direction. You also can easily view hair growing on ear rims and inside canals.
Not to mention your eyebrows. India is a hairy place and on any pleasant day you can see people sporting arched, bushy, jet-black, heavy, thick, cynical and unkempt eyebrows.
India is a sweaty tropical place. Sweat accumulates, attracts bacteria and fungus, which makes us itch.
This was the scientific explanation.
In reality, most Indians buy uncomfortable undies that look good in ads but kind wrap around the groin like an anaconda would do around a mountain goat.
Or, they wear extremely loose underwear that literally blows in the wind.
Or, they wear old comfortable undies with rotting elastic.
Result: Pubic hair turns into quicksand and sinks the groin, or, tightie tight undies pinch and torture the you-know-whats, or, bad elastic makes drawers fall on area that receives the blood supply, or, the overgrown fungus decides to play the fool, or, all the loose parts dangling down there decide to form a union.
On any given day, an Indian man can face one or all of these factors in most of his waking hours.
Most Indian men gorge on sugary, starchy, fried and unhygienic kitchen food throughout the day and automatically build colonies for bacteria with weird Japanese-sounding names during the night.
That was the good news. There’s worse.
Many men gulp down tea and colas during the day, which leaves their mouth dry. They chomp and often swallow food that’s heavily rich in garlic and low-quality sauces. Raw onions that can teargas an unruly mob are a must with most meals, etc., you get the picture.
Result: Bad breath and an ugly mouth interior that combines to expel a smell that resembles an aging skunk’s fart.
By the time the mouth gets down to this level, it’s time to make love….
These are the top 5 bad habits that represent Indian men’s grooming. There are others too, such as: staring at women, worshipping their mom even when she’s wrong, being uncivil, always being in a hurry, being late, gossiping, and not caring for animals.
You know of other bad grooming habits? Add your bit here.
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