Science is fantastic but sometimes it can seem terribly useless and laughable. There are discoveries and inventions that it celebrates, but these could be things that the common man could puke at. Mainly because these inventions are so damn frivolous they have no use for mankind or animals or society in general.
Here’s a look at some of the crankiest and useless discoveries scientists made recently:
Bee Stings Your Ding (and elsewhere too)
Michael Smith, a Cornell University graduate, volunteered to stand naked and get stung by bees. It was masochism at its worst, but Michael went ahead and did it. The bees obliged and he got stung 200 times — including on his private parts.
For those who have not experienced it yet, a bee sting first feels like a sharp poke or a burning sensation and then graduates into something nastier, a feeling like that of a jagged knife cutting leisurely into your flesh. The stung area then goes red and swells up, and needs medical attention.
The horrifying thing about these stings was that the kooky bees stung Michael’s private parts too. But he says it was the tip of his nose that pained the most. We are unsure if the bees laid eggs on his private parts causing him more misery at a later date, or whether his love life went bust.
Michael sure is lucky that the bees that stung him were not from Japan or Africa. Those bees are natural sadists and their stings would have transported Michael into a coffin to hell.
The hilarious thing about this whole experiment, apart from Michael getting stung, is that it was setup to investigate the body part that will experience the maximum pain from a bee sting.
Thumps Over The Bumps
A group of 6–7 scientists led by Helen F. Ashdown studied the pain caused to people suffering from acute appendicitis when they travel over speed bumps.
Darlings, if people suffering from acute appendicitis travel over the unscientifically constructed speed bumps in India, they would also get impacted by hernia, hydrocele, below-the-belt dementia, pantophobia and other conditions with ugly names. Later these would be followed up by instant death.
How and Why A Cruel Despot Made 888 Babies
Nosey parker mathematicians Elisabeth Oberzaucher and Karl Grammer set up a mathematical model to figure how Moulay Ismael the Bloodthirsty, the Sharifian Emperor of Morocco, managed to father 888 children during the years 1697 through 1727.
I don’t know why you need a mathematical model to figure this out. He had four wives and 500 concubines. (Boy, I wish I was a despot too.)
With so many feminine resources at hand, all Moulay had to do was to impregnate one woman every 2-3 days for 4-6 years, and voila, he would have easily sired 1,000+ children and kept his harem busy at the same time.
You don’t need a mathematician to tell you that.
However you need a skincare specialist to figure out the different type of exotic diseases Moulay would have suffered because of his hectic love life.
NORMAL DURATION OF MAMMALIAN URINATION
Patricia Yang and David Hu along with 3 other scientists, whom I suspect of rapidly blinking their eyes in order to set up a psychedelic light show, figured that now was the time to determine the average time it takes for a mammal to pee.
So they went ahead and researched — Men, women, bats, baby baboons, elephants, rodents, hedgehogs, etc. — no mammal’s privacy was spared during day or night.
And what did this bladder research reveal — that it takes 21 seconds for mammals to pour their bladder out.
It’s time for such scientists to sit on their stool.
INTENSE KISSING AND MESSING RESEARCH
Two groups of scientists, whom I consider to be leading an ascetic or voyeuristic life depending on your interpretation, studied the impact of intense kissing (and other general messing around) on humans.
After an intense and costly study all they discovered was the presence of male DNA in mixed saliva samples.
That’s like sitting on electric poles in industrial areas and discovering that electric current passes through the wires (after you’re hit by a shock).
There are many other examples of useless science research that has consumed millions of dollars, or lesser, or more — we do not know.
But one thing we believe in is what Einstein once said, “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.”
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