A sickening feeling of revulsion hit me square in the face when I heard Baba Ramdev proudly declaring that a few of his products contain cow urine because of its oh-so-miraculous powers.
I use Patanjali’s soap and toothpaste and despite my nausea, I lurched into the bathroom to check on my stock of soap, KANTI PANCHGAVYA.
Panchgavya, as I just found out reading the soap package, implies 5 products derived from the cow — urine, cow, curd, ghee, milk.
To think that just one day ago I was blissfully rubbing cow urine and dung around my unmentionables while singing hot bath songs like “Gandi Baat” (from R…R…Rajkumar), sent my nausea into overdrive.
My nose wrinkled, eyes narrowed and tongue protruded as I puked. I puked because I know about the rubbish cows eat — plastic, garbage, rotten veggies, goodies lying in the gutter and other nasties. You can imagine a cow’s piss content after partaking in such ghastly meals.
Later, with a glucose drip stuck into me, I wondered what the damn fuss was about the magical properties of cow urine. I mean other herbivorous animals also would be urinating much the same stuff — maybe healthier.
I turned into the live encyclopedia of the world that is home to the best experts in the world — Facebook.
The first post I encountered was from ex-Judge Markandey Katju who stated that Gadha Mutra (Donkey Urine) may be the same as Go Mutra (Cow Urine). This served as an inspiration for this article — I would compare cow urine with a donkey’s.
Here we go:
Holy Cow Urine Contents
Nitrogen (Urea and Ammonia Nitrogen): It’s used for making fertilizers, explosives, and nitric acid. Given a chance, will you luxuriously rub your crotch with nitrogen?
Calcium: Known for its bone fortifying properties. Rubbing it as soap may fortify skin, making yours’ thicker. Won’t do dang to your bones unless you drink cow urine (you’re better off with sesame seeds though).
Chloride: Primarily used to clean contact lenses. And cleaning your va-va-voom body with fluid meant for contact lenses can only attract menses.
Coproporphyrin: Forms hemoglobin so long you consume it. Do you need hemoglobin that bad?
Liquid Sodium: Cow urine contains loads of liquid sodium, an aqueous solution that is used as a coolant for nuclear reactors. Use it on your body to nullify your Kamasutra quotient.
Uric acid: A waste product that induces sexual desire in some worms. In humans, excessive levels cause gout and arthritis.
Leucocyte: The cow’s white blood cell. Ewwww, please don’t rub cow cells on your skin no matter how holy they might be…
Creatinine — develops skeletal muscle, if consumed, Magnesium — rids you of constipation, when consumed, Uroporphyrin — does nothing, it’s a cow waste product that you’re rubbing against your privates
There are just two useful byproducts from cow urine — sulphate (used in bath salts) and allantoin (a soothing agent) and they are incapable of performing any miraculous shit.
Donkey Urine Content (Source: http://goo.gl/PBkzcB )
After writing all this cow urine content, I’ll be damned if I’m going to spend a good 30 minutes researching donkey urine.
Which eventually I did, but imagine my disgust when I found that it contains this crap:
Bilirubin — an orange-yellow pigment that is excreted in bile. I can bet you products made using donkey urine are more “saffron” than those made with cow pee. Babu Ramdev, you hear?
Nitrite — preserves meat, but is yours decaying?
Ketone bodies — water soluble molecules that well, dissolve and do nothing else…
Erythrocytes — excess levels of erythrocytes indicate cancer. Help, your gadha mutra product is infected by an autoimmune disease…
Bacteria and exotic yeasts — cause fungus and moisty, smelly condition between your legs, front and back
The only thing of value contained in donkey urine is glucose. Does that mean you will drink it? Gaaak!
Tell me, which property of cow urine seems holy or miraculous to you? Urine is toxified waste product nature expels from our body. You can’t drink it!
Look, the ancients may have gulped down cow urine because beer was not invented in those dark ages. After a few pitchers, they would’ve gotten drunk or mad and declared that it was holy stuff. Don’t you revere alcohol after getting stoned? The same thing would’ve happened back then.
Businessmen like Baba Ramdev flourish because of your gullibility.
In any case, I’m switching my soap from Patanjali to Bio Bliss.
Which is another yucky soap, but that’s another sad tale I must save for later…
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