KissAssTer: How Not To Kiss

how_not_to_kiss
KissAssTer: How Not To Kiss 4.20/5 (84.00%) 5 votes

Kissing can be defined as an act of expressing passion for another human, an act that may involve the exchange of saliva and transfer of bacteria and food particles from one mouth to another.

In India, kissing in public can regarded as a nuisance. But there are exceptions — for example, Indian cricketers such as Suresh Raina routinely jump on and kiss other teammates; Bollywood personalities like Karan Johar do much worse, and so on.

Kissing is a fine art and there’s a way of doing it and a way of not doing it. We don’t want you to mess up on Valentine’s Day and are therefore listing a few DON’Ts that should help you pucker up and kiss right.

Kissing Don’ts

how_not_to_kiss

  1. Do not kiss after consuming a dish loaded with garlic, tomatoes or onions. These foods are reservoirs of bacteria and sulfuric compounds. While garlic and onion taste great, their putrid breath hits your kissing partner like fart gas mixed with rotting milk.

    It’s that bad. Also, spit out any chewing gum before the kiss.
  2. Your lips should be well moisturised otherwise you’ll end up planting dry, coarse and cracked lips over your partner’s making it a painful experience for her. Men and women should use a moisturizer and the going will get more fun when women deck their lips up with a fruity lip gloss.
  3. Kiss in a private place. You don’t want to show off to the whole world that you have a girlfriend or boyfriend, do you? Be discreet.

    You anyway know what happens if you kiss in a public place in India. You will end up providing cheap thrills to passer-bys, getting your video on social media, and maybe even getting stalked by a bunch of desperados.

    Remember, women love privacy when it comes to passion.how_not_to_kiss
  4. Mouth before tongue. Do not turbo-charge your tongue into her mouth right at the start like a King Cobra. Be patient, kissing is not a 1-course meal.
  5. Do not go dental on her. Dental means furiously scraping your tongue on her teeth. She will feel like an orangutan having its teeth cleaned by careless zoo employees.

    For a super kissing experience, women should take his tongue into their mouth, and lightly suck on it. Their lip action should mimic his hip movement. Try it — it works.

    Women also can circle their tongue around his like they would if they were slurping on an ice cream cone. It will make him wild.how_not_to_kiss
  6. Guys, specially, must be confident while kissing. While kissing, many Indian guys behave like a dog that’s about to be stoned. They are always in a hurry and their rush ruins the experience. They must go slow and appear confident. Remember that all animals can sense weakness in a flash and if she figures you are being weak during a kiss, she will assume that you will do a lot worse while making love.
  7. Do not avoid looking into her eyes while kissing. When eyes meet, it builds up the heat.

    If she gazes deeply into your eyes, don’t say anything.

    But if she looks away, say something nice about her (anything but.. “darling, I’ve already come and gone…”)
  8. Hold her face while kissing. Avoid groping her butt and breasts at the first chance you get. Allow the kiss to linger on before doing that.
  9. Don’t think about what to do next during a kiss. Follow your instincts and reconcile your moves based on her response.
  10. Don’t tease her. You are her lover, not her gigolo.
  11. Control your saliva. Do not allow it to run like the River Ganges right into her mouth. You’ll end up polluting her.
  12. No matter how lusty you may feel, do not bite hard. Be slow and steady and if at all you feel like biting lips or cheeks, be gentle and soft.
  13. Don’t punch your face into hers. She may feel that industrial machinery is applying hydraulic and pneumatic pressure on her face, and therefore may get put off.
  14. Guys should go from gentle to aggressive. If guys are all genteel and gentle during the entire duration, the kiss will become boring and sleepy. If they are aggressive throughout, she will get pissed off and intimidated.how_not_to_kiss
  15. When she kisses you in a particular way, it implies that she wants you to mimic her actions. That is a woman’s way of communicating passion. So, fall in lie and ape her actions.
  16. Understand that your woman has cheeks, ears, eyes and neck growing on her body. Not just lips. Extend your hot kisses to these areas as well.
  17. Don’t start removing your shirt, pant and other stuff while kissing. It will put her off. And if you do this in public, not only will it put her off, the act will also invite the wrath of the general public.
  18. Don’t shove your tongue down her throat. You’ll hyperventilate her thyroid function.
  19. Don’t dart your tongue inside her mouth many times. Get it in once and explore. Darting it in every now and then will make her feel she’s being kissed by her pet lizard.
  20. Don’t get all excited and kiss her face like her puppy dog would. You are an adult, so behave like one.
  21. Your girlfriend is a human unless you’re kissing something else on Val Day. Treat her like one by allowing her to breathe properly during the kiss. You can accomplish this feat by not applying pressure on her nose or licking her nostrils in an insane act of passion.
  22. Finally, remember her name. Don’t say, “Your lips are like seedless strawberries, Anita,” when you’re kissing Amrita. That’s a huge, huge turn off that can Bobbitize your love life.


There, we’re done. Follow our kissing don’t and have a happy kissing experience on Valentine’s Day and for the rest of the year, you smoochie coochie!

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