Most men are messy and untidy sloths. They’d rather lounge around in their decomposed surroundings than get up and clean and tidy up a bit.
Socks lying around, wet towels carelessly hung behind untidy doors, clothes hung on door edges, undies lying around, unkempt beds — I’m sure you’d have seen or experienced them all.
Anyway, word quickly gets around in the bacteria, yeast and fungi kingdoms that there’s an untidy man hanging around. That’s where the stink begins.
But let’s not jump the gun, let’s start at the beginning:
Sweat Smelling Facts
The human skin is home to three types of glands
- Eccrine glands which secrete sweat on palms, soles, and forehead
- Sebaceous glands which secrete oils and sweat on the chest, back, face and head
- Apocrine glands which let loose sweat via hair follicles in underarms, pubic area, anus and nipples.
But, let’s not blame sweat — sweat is odorless. It’s like a placebo perfume.
With that said, we know that the sweat from the apocrine glands is somehow responsible for causing the putrid and vulgar smell that hammers down unpleasant aromas down noses and throats.
How does this happen?
Bacteria latch on to the sweat being secreted by our hair follicles. This sweat works like a lavish and princely Vijay Mallya party where one can eat, drink, and do other things at will. The gluttonous bacteria slurp on our sweat until they’ve overeaten.
The stomach is full and now it’s time for a massive crap session. So the bacteria start dunging on our skin — wot, no manners, yaar! It’s this defecation that mixes with our sweat to create a stinky or otherwise aroma. That’s why we smell.
BTW, they don’t crap like humans do. they just break down the food they find in the sweat. If they had crapped like humans, we would all be black by now.
Countdown to Top 5 Male Body Stink Spots
# 5: Scalp
Hair can stink if you are a profuse and prolific head sweater. Sweat combines with oil from sebaceous glands to create a stink of an overused diaper for grown-ups.
To stop your head smelling like the Patiala Rau in Punjab, do this:
- Wash hair regularly
- Take your time and dry your hair thoroughly.
# 4: Foot
Feet smell because they reside in a closed and layered environment. Shoes and socks combine to choke down your feet resulting in a feisty bacterial build up.
Smelly feet can make your eyes water live Devdas’s when it hits you whenever your roommate or partner or friend removes his socks. The smell is one of garbage decomposition. Imagine chewing down a toad, snake and a rubber ball, washing it down with sulfuric acid, and then forcefully passing wind post-digestion. That’s how kitschy the smell is.
To avoid smelly feet:
- Wear cotton socks
- Use an antibacterial foot powder
- Go barefoot for as long as possible
- Rub on some aromatic foot oil at bedtime
# 3: Mouth
Bad breath can smell like unfossilized and toxic dinosaur poop on rusted metal. It is a badass in both quantity and quality. You know you’re hit by bad breath when a decaying and sickening smell hits you right in the nose and you’re forced to look away or escape.
To get rid of it:
Brush your teeth twice daily
Rinse after every meal
Floss at night
Use a medicated mouthwash
See your teeth checked regularly
# 2: Underarms
Y’know something — underarm hair is hugely in fashion. Especially among women. In China, women have coined a new slogan — “Armpit Hair, Don’t Care.” It’s trending huge on Instagram too.
But therein lies the rub. men reckon that anything women do, they can do better. So this feline trend is all set to stir men and make them grow underarm hair as long as a lemur’s tail.
That’s great news for bacteria who treat the underarms as an underground kitchen. The bacteria feast on the sweat, defecate and generate a nuisance of a stink.
To pump out the stink from your armpits:
- Use deos that contain alcohol (alcohol kills bacteria)
- Use powder
- Use more deo and powder
- Use an antiperspirant at night because you don’t sweat at night thereby allowing better absorption of the antiperspirant
- Shave underarm hair if the smell refuses to go away
- Use organic, mildly fragrant and mild bath products
# 1: And the winner is: The Groin
The groin is a warm and sweaty (moist) area. Plus, it is jam packed with hair follicle and glands. Hell, man, it’s like an overcrowded conference of hydras in a swamp.
Result: Yeast, fungi and bacteria feast off this picnic spot making it smell like an open and unattended sumo wrestler crapping ground. Ewww.
To stop your groin smelling like the Kodungaiyur Waste Disposal Site in Chennai, do this:
- Use anti-fungal powder every now and then. Even cornstarch powder can keep the area dry.
- Wear 100% cotton undies and trousers.
- Avoid wearing undies when you can (i.e., Go commando)
- Do not cloak smells by applying perfume, because it doesn’t kill the bacteria.
Alright, I’m done. Smell nice and stay away from vice. Ciao.
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