“Flatulence” or “Passing Wind” or “butt burps” which we fondly refer to as farting represents the act of passing gas from the digestive tract right out of your black hole. Sorry, back hole.
FOL (Farting Out Loud) or FOS (Farting Out Stinky) can either cause anything between general hilarity to marital breakups to coma, especially if your farts smell like Isocyanides.
Smelling rotten eggs or decaying animal carcasses is like smelling a bunch of Lily-of-the-Valley flowers when compared to the stench of Isocyanides, that’s how bad they are.
Farts smell because the food we eat mixes with our stomach acids to release a mix of hydrogen, methane and carbon dioxide. Then smell along with the food starts travelling like a choo-choo train. Bacteria, who are voracious travellers, board this express and do crazy things on board. It’s a goddamned Orgy & Violent Express, much like a train from Patna to Kolkata.
Long story short, the when gases build up, the body must release them. This is how farting originated and the same ritual continues today.
The volume of sulfur in the expelled fart determines its stink quotient.
What Makes Farts Very Stinky?
Of course, you just read that higher sulfur content increases the stinkiness. But what increases this sulfur content?
Here’s where the stink comes from:
- Veggies like peas, broccoli, cabagge, onions, sweet potatoes, mushrooms, and a couple more are packed with exotic nutrients and compounds that taste yum-yum but act like an air after getting inside your tum-tum.
- Protein-laden foods like red meat, diet sodas, baked beans, dairy products, certain preservatives, artificial sweeteners, etc., are gargantuan stinky poos too.
- Eating too fast or not chewing food properly is like attaching an invisible space rocket fuel station right into your mouth.
The end result could be someone’s end.
But don’t worry, it’s normal to fart about 15 times in a day — ask any of our well-rounded politicians who easily exceed this national average.
The only thing to ensure is that your farts explode sweetness, not stinkiness.
How To Deodorize Farts
- The easiest way to kill the smell is to burn your fart. All you have to do is hold a lighted match or a lit oxy-acetylene blow torch with the flame pointing at the area where the fart winds blow. The sulfur will aggravate the flame and die without reaching the hairy nostrils of those around you.
However, you need to be technically proficient while practicing this maneuver. I mean if I were to do this, I’d probably burn (3rd degree) the person behind me or end up with a devastated love life. Therefore, attempt this solution only if you are in a noble profession such as oil rig mechanics, fire fighting, giant tree felling, diamond cutting — you get the drift, I think.
- Peppermint oil smells sweet and is a famous gas controller. Taking it after a meal can help reduce rectal tremors and sugar-coat your venomous vapours. That’s why consumers of high protein foods sip on peppermint liqueur after meals. They seem sophisticated while sipping, but deep down they are worried about their anal acoustics and smells.
- Chewing fennel or drinking fennel tea also will help you convert your corrupting bottom honks into glorious wisps of wind. That’s because fennel is loaded with soothing and aromatic oils.
- Activated charcoal capsules will help you ooze angelic farts. However, you must ensure two things: (1) That you take it on an empty stomach, and (2) That you take “food grade” activated charcoal. Swallowing non feed grade activated charcoal also will sort your fat problems because it will make you sing hymns in hell.
Follow these tips to turn your stenchy farts into an enthralling and endearing aromatic experience.
Image credits: killmenow.org
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